Inspiration / Lathe

“Inspiration move me brightly / light the song with sense and color / hold away despair”
-The Grateful Dead, Terrapin Station (Jerry Garcia / Robert Hunter)

I have the first line of this tattooed on my leg.  Little did I know last July when I was sitting for that tattoo that it would become literal for me several months later.

The last 9 or so months have been the worst of my life.  A relationship ended, and with my daydreams of finally having an idyllic life.  Shortly thereafter, my mom got sick and went into the hospital.  I last heard her voice on February 3; we lost her on March 13.  All the dynamics in my life shifted.  In the weeks and months since, I have had moments of despair and no one to cling to in the night, when things are at their bleakest.

The weeks immediately following my mom’s passing are veiled in a haze.  Drifting from day to day, surviving, taking care of the kids, checking in on my dad.  Gradually, the haze lightened up some; I found myself yearning for some brightness, for a sliver of joy to break up the moments the despair.  Those moments were rare, though.

More and more over the last few weeks, I’ve found myself trying to feel something, trying to take those words to heart and make them mean something again.  Inspiration move me brightly….hold away despair.  Replace some of the dark with light.  Some of the pain with joy.  It seems impossible most of the time.  My mom is gone.  My mother, the person who’s known me longer than anyone.  What joy can there possibly be?  The worst moments of despair I can only describe as feeling hollow.

I’m not sure what exactly inspired me, but I realized that I had some great details to capture right under my nose.  You’ve likely noticed that I am attracted to the details and the broken pieces, the rust of the world.  The foray pictured here didn’t involve rust or broken pieces; rather, the details of a machine which takes a solid piece of metal and lets a skilled operator shape it to meet his needs.  This machine has seen countless pieces of metal and many years of operators.  It is solid, enduring, and functional.  As I am trying to be, despite the moments of despair.